Still breathing

Hi everyone..apparently I'm still alive, alhamdulillah sihat semuanya..it's in the end of october now & it's gonna be november soon. How time flies huh ? To be honest, this year is not a good year. There were only few things that I actually appreciate this year. The year of the big exam P-M-R, everyone was so stressed out, including parents and also tcers. Maybe it's true what my tutor once said, the year of big exams will cause a lot of fights, crying, self-destructing and shit. I lost my friendship with 4 of my friends and it is driving me crazy right now cos I might not be in this school anymore next year. They might move to another school too but since we're not talking, we don't know what's going on & what will happen in the future. My PMR went fine, I think. Although the papers were quite tough but I've tried my best. The only thing that's bugging me right now is that I'm really close to them but yet so far. I went through a lot with em. Especially one of them, he was really really special for me. haha see the word 'was', I've never thought it would turned out like this, I swear. Just so you know boy, I don't hate her, I want you to be happy too but the way you told me was...unacceptable and the time u lied to me and they others lied to me too? Gosh it hurts. I know it's my fault too for being too ego & selfish but that's just me. I've changed and this is all because of you. You know how it sucks to look at old pictures and wish you can just turn back time and be at that exact moment again ? Haha stop it dearself..Stop hoping, ain't nothing gonna change, just accept the fact and move the fck on. It's hard but that's what we need to do. Just so you know guys, you're very important but I don't think you guys care. So yeah..

8am

Is it possible for a person to miss themself ?
I miss me. Yes me as in myself.
The non-uptight bitch.
The cold-hearted girl and not damn emotional.
The girl who doesn't give a flying fuck abt what people think of her.
Maybe I just need some time on my own. Think this through
Be rational and get back on track.

2 long days..

I am emotionally drained..

I have no where to go, no one to tell how worried I am..

I'm terrified..

At this very moment, how I wish i can just shut down myself

and to top all of that, I had flashbacks and it felt so close to me..

I know he is annoyed but I have no one to talk to about this..

He gave up & yeah I should have keep it to myself all the time..me & myself

.

Urgh I can't stand this

TF is wrong with everything

I can't stand be unaccompanied and he left me for the whole evening

and he said I'm the one who didn't bbm him..and I was waiting for him

What in the world is this ?

I just can't and i'm afraid that I will screw things up again if i'm left alone.

Hey

You texted me a few days back and I appreciate it :)

It felt good that you're finally accepting me for who I am right now

You told me it would be a lot if easier if you didn't love me.

Well, we might be over but the memories will still be with me

As an example and yes as a memory for me to embrace too :)

I wish all the best for your life and good luck for Indonesia/Macau

You might read this cos you told me you read ma blog, so i just write it on here than text you

Just so you know, our mistakes are meant to be made so we know better for the future.

I'm sorry but I just don't wanna hurt you later. Better now than later huh ?

Send my regards to Syahmie, Tatia and cute baby Rayyan

Take care :)

Birthday wishes

I've got tons of wishes, tons i tell you :) I feel so blessed.

Okay i want to list down the personal one i got through my phone..

Yes the first one was from Kie via bbm

Okay phone calls first ; My baby boo, Amer, Mahrukh, my cousin from Muar,Qis and Aliff Haziq(on the next day)

Bbm ; Dee, Ahmad Naziirul, Ira, Irdina, Fitry Roslan, Iskandar, Arsyad, Farid, Dannil, Aidin Zaini, Ekin, Haliq, Azlin Syazmira, My teacher Hemalatha, Abu Zar and ofcourse Kie and Amer Izzat :)

Voice Note ; A very special one from him , from Abg Aman & Kak Dayang , Uncle Zizul + Abg Anas

SMS ; my babes (Hani Iman Faya Izaty Nabila Mahrukh Cuin), Alif Shah, Ira, Ain Dayana, Jihah, Aizat, Auntie Nora, Azeem, Ainur, Sahitra, Amira Sabri, Arif Chong, Atika and Edi.

and ofcourse from Facebook and twitter..from the notif i think i got like 200+ wishes on Fb and 30 something on twitter ? I'm not sure.The reason why I blog about this cos I want to write it down somewhere that I won't lose it. I want to keep it as a memory. Who knows if one day my grandchildren gonna read this as my diary, someday :)

BTW DID I FRIGGIN TELL YOU THAT CAPRICE WISHED MY BIRTHDAY. YES I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SEXY CAPRICE *the picture is up there* hehe

Movies with love and mama *i forgot to write about this*

so yeah on 29th we went out for movies !

we went to sunway pyramid and watched 2 movies. Tried to shop but i felt weird shopping with him, so yeah decided not to have my shopping spree. We watched 2 movies that day, "hell's gate" and "the darkest hour"..He was scaring the shit out of me cos everyone knows that i HATE horror movies and the reason i watched that movie is bcos mymom and him lah cos he wanted to watch it. Well it was not that bad, I can still at the end of the day hehe. He laughed at me cos i was soooo freaked out when the "thing" was on the screen. I was literally hugging my handbag :P The movie suck like suck suck, vacuum suck.

The second movie was not bad..boleh lah..Hm we end up holding hands under the chair, like so cute. He was playing with my fingers (my favourite thing to do !) the whole movie :) Everything went so well and I think mama is accepting the fact that i'm growing :)

New Year's Eve/My Birthday's Eve

-31st Dec 2011-

One more day to 1st Jan which is my birthday ;) Well i'm not thaaaat excited.

Went to Hani's place for her Khatam. Got my first birthday wish around 11am from Kie Razid.He said he wanted to wish me early cos he cares for me and he wants to be the first one (yeah kie, yeahh....) Then my girls was like "eleh aku pun boleh wish, Happy birthday lai" haha.

I was tired cos i woke up very very early and myboo was acting weird. He keeps asking where am i and stuff but i ignore it and went to sleep. Bangun je, he bbm-ed me and ask where are u, told him i was home, he asked whether im going out at that time or no, said no. I asked him why and he did not answer. 10 minutes later he said "I'm going to your house in 10 minutes, I need directions and no questions" WTF ?????? I asked why and he said "well I just wanna drop by and wish you happy new year since we can't celebrate it together" So i gave up and gave him my address and directions and yes he was in front of my house with his 'abah'..

Salam his abah, salam him and he said "close your eyes" , followed his instruction and then BAAM he gave me a huge hello kitty bear. It's not even big, IT'S HUGE and I friggin LOVE IT.I wanna hug him so bad but mymom is inside, she might be near the window to see what are we doing and his dad is in the car and we're infront of my gate. I freaking love him, love love love him.

Bbm-ed him all the way to Klang cos mama ada show over there. He didn't go to Curve cos his 'mak' is sick. How nice is that ? He called me at 11.49 cos there's 11minutes left before my birthday and '1' is my favourite number, he doubled it ;) He wished my birthday and all and I feel so blessed. After a few minutes, all the birthday wishes came in and after the midnight and all the fireworks mama called me on stage and i thought she was only gonna wish me but you know what ? There's cake and snow spray ! They sang happy birthday and i blow out the candles, wished for something ;) Cannot tell you nanti tak jadi, haha. I was very very happy, got back around 2-3am , slept at 4 and my dear prince was there with me all the way virtually :) Gonna blog about all the wishes i got and birthday present later, xoxo

Love is in the air

24 December 2011 :)

26 December 2011 :)

and hopefully 28 December 2011 :)

as you can see from the title, I am very very VERY happy..spent the last few days with boobear (the cutest nickname ever !) We had our first icecream(kinda), ate durian together, walked along Jalan B.Bintang and stuff ;)

Well my mom knows his abah(his grandfather), they are quite close so yeah we can see each other through them. Guess what ? Mama wants to bring both of us for movies ! Yes it sounds so lame that we're going out with my mom but I can't go out at all, so going out with mymom + him is enough for me. His birthday was on the 19th of Dec, I gave his present a lil bit early(17th of dec), I bought him a red varsity and beats. I bought the same varsity for me too but its in blue..I hate blue but i dont know why, i kinda want that one..and he kissed me fivehead(as he called it) for the first time on the 17th ♥

Went to klfc together on 24th and I had "kickers" icecream from Gelato..he hates it bcos it tasted nutty :P Sorry for not telling you that the icecream is Caramel + Nuts (he hates nuts) and we literally chased each other when he tried to look at my ic(its friggin uglybtw) but yeah he succeeded to take my ic away.He made me laugh in every single way he can and yes i love every single moment of it..

Last night 26th, we ate durian together although he is sitting across the table and not besides me but he asked my mom to take me for a walk "Auntie, Ammar bawak Alai jalan kejap eh" then mama was like "ha pergilah, elok elok". Walked along the roadside of BB while holding hands, that was my first time walking along BB. So yeah it was special. He told me about how his friend said he should feel lucky that I'm his girlfriend. SO SO SO TOUCHED and it is friggin hard to act like you're not in love infront of your mom *smfh*

but yes my heart melts everytime he 'salam' mama :)

AND HOPEFULLY, we'll be going to Sunway Pyramid this 28 for movies ! Don't know what to watch yet but what the hell any movie works if he's with me.. ♥

This is all of it I think, i'll blog about our first movie later, toodles xoxo

p/s: you wont understand what's with the picture but yeah, shhh ♥ ♥ ♥

my only escape

I feel like talking but I don't want to talk to anyone..one confuse bitch right here
Well I can't talk on facebook like this long, I'll be labelled as "attention seeker" lah liddat.
and not more than 140 characters on twitter, so yeah blog, you're my only escape :)

Hm do you know those moment where you can't say anything cos you're afraid you're gonna ruin it ?
Those moment where you do stuff without thinking about the other person ?

Moments where you just wanna feel loved and not be alone ?

Hmmmm *very long sigh* yeah those moments...

It is very hard to be a girl..insecurities, those ke-degil-an you have..
I am very degil, i am very aware of that but still I am fucking sensitive just I don't show it.
Well everybody knows that I have being a burden to someone else, to listen to my problem and stuff, I rather keep it to myself but this time, I don't know..I don't wanna cry anymore and somehow typing this is making me feel better :) I don't know how typing this is helping me but yeah I'll be fine sooner or later. That's all i think, xoxo.

Nice to meet you sir.

Oh how I miss my blog..nah just kidding, I forgot about ma blog actually..
I lived and survived and yes I have a new person by my side right now :)
Weh god knows how it feels and I'm praying so hard that my guts are wrong.
Well I'm not gonna tell you what my guts are telling me, cos it would be better if I keep it to myself.

Okay let's talk about my life now and I don't give a fuck if you're not gonna read it, im gonna type it anyway. My life is pretty fucked up, the word "pretty" is there maybe cos he's here so yeah, fucked up but I'm happy with it. I am still stuck in ma house and my parents still treats me like im 10 although they made me do a lot of stuff, i AM still their "lil girl"

My studies is not bad but still not the way that I want it to be..still I'm grateful to Allah for helping in every way he can. After a few hard days when my parents won't let me go to prom(with him), I AM considering myself to a boarding school. I know this sound so so so weird but yeah we'll see how it goes.

I've moved on ! I became his cinderella on 20.11.2011 at 20:11 (his friend's idea, fucking creative) but yeah a few bumps along the road, don't get me wrong, he is my kind of boy and i freaking love him. Maybe its just, he has his ego and I have mine. I'm so used to win every argument so it feels freaking different now. And yes I need to let my ego down a lil by a lil I mean a LOT cos it won't work if fire is with fire maybe i'll stop be the fire and be something else. Not water please but yeah something cool-er than fire.

Now I don't know what to say anymore......sorry for the cursing thou, I'm listening to Paramore, so you know what happens when somebody is typing while listening to them.

I don't want any title.

Hello. It's been awhile huh since I last update this..

Well in the past few weeks/months , I went through some rough rough time.

I end it. I end "us" and we lost it.

18/9/2011 :)

I was devastated and still am. I hold on to our memories to hard that I can't let go.

You still wander on my mind , constantly. All the little things reminds me of you.

our place , our song , memories were made. We literally spent a year and 10 months together.

Just so you know , those words you sent me that morning , hurt me so bad.

It has been a month+ from that day and 1st November is around the corner.

Honestly , I've been planning for that day since forever.

But what can we do , we lost the spark.

With that kind of relationship , it wasn't going anywhere.

I survived but just so you know , I still remember you.

"Toto" still sleeps with me & I still hug your sweater whenever I miss you.

I miss you and I wish you the best for life.

There's always this one moment where you feel very lonely and need to be accompanied but nobody's there

Wednesday 29th June 2011

TODAY WAS FUN !

hari ni all off us "riihayhay" *wthell punya nama. Ali Amer Dhana Fatanah Mahrukh Nabila Tommy(my loved ones & always will be) had so much fun. Okay lain subject mcm biasa lah belajar kan but time music pergi music room lah. Tak buat apa because cikgu nak update all of our information for this open day(this friday). I love to play with the chairs, well you know the chairs with those wheels ? yes yes that one. Zaty was sitting on the chair and i pushed it and run around in circle with the chairs. but then siapa punya idea tah , buat train. Soo we took all of the chairs , all 7 of them , sat in a row and one of us tarik all the chair and we all moved at the same time ! setiap org kena pegang each other punya kerusi lah kan , but bila dah berpusing pusing tu , ada yg terlepas and jatuh :D *the best part. We had fun like konon ada dkt genting. I let go one of the chair yg rupa dah mcm train tu , Mr Amer Izzat saja nak kacau , he pushed my chair , round and round and round pastu sambung pulak dgn nabila pulak yg pusing pusing kan smpai i laughed yg tkde bunyi tu. and i was dizzy , i walked like a drunk person for 2minutes ! haha so much fun!

BUT THEN

dapat result exam...Everyone jadi so mellow and vulnerable. BUT we promised each other that we're gonna learn and make sure the top 10 will be just us. Our family. Lots of love , kisses guys.

Monday 27th June 2011

okay it was cuti peristiwa for "Sukan Tahunan Sekolah" so I went out with my mom ;)

Mama had a meeting around bangsar , Jalan Telawi but the street are too crowded and no more parking for us so we went to Bangsar Village and had the meeting over there at The Loaf. okay while meeting I WAS BORED TO DEATH so i was cam-whoring. haha that gambar is currently my DP on my fb :) after that went shopping kejap. Went to vincci+ , like omgod SALE ! siapa lah tak suka sale kan ? so bought a new shoe :* the picture is on fb too. We also went to Aldo accessories. Mama bought a few earrings and rings. I saw this vry cute watch , very very cute. It was not expensive but unfortunately , I only bring 70 something in my purse. that watch was 90 only and i asked mama lah for some duit but mama taknak bagi ! Mama ckp "banyak sgt jam kau lai" haihh. SO SAD. merajuk sampai balik tau.

BUT THEN , pergi klcc and picked-up my babyvia (I named my stuff , so what ?) and she is fine now and im using her right now , right at this moment. THANK GOD , she's fine now. muahmuah i'll never hurt you again. haha wtf cakap dgn laptop , gila. soo here are the pictures of the watch that i want , and i saw few rings. very cute do

Dear Heart

kenapa dgn kau ni puteri sulaikha ? I CANT UNDERSTAND MY HEART ! like seriously , make up your freaking mind ! these days I feel very insecure like the world is gonna end in a few days * please dont earth. feeling very vulnerable and weak and not in command , ahhh this is terrible. For example tonight , i feel very empty and anxious and empty and EMPTY ! and very lonely too. wth ? and im feeling very ugly. hm just forget it , my heart is having a serious issues with herself. need to chillex and have a good laugh with my friend , I think that will help it. I hope so

ALAI is officially back :D Okay well you know me , I am very bad at commitment to blogs. In past few months , in 3 months I think cos the last time I checked in here was in February now its May. Well today is 14th May 2011. Time really flies when you're having fun. Urm not all of them are "fun".

I've gone through few tragedies in few months back. On and off relationship , a girl butted in my life and kinda messed up my friendship with ma friends. Issues with my brother. haih hard times , harrrrddd times.

But then the good times are uncountable ! The moment where I actually fall on my ass bcos I laughed too hard. The times where that thing disappear. The times i spent with my loved ones , my bestest friend in the world *heart. When it comes to this , all the tears dried on their own. I AM BLESSED to have somebody to love me and accept me for who I am. Thanks Allah.

Takziah

Im so sorry for your lost baby. May your dad rest in peace 27/2/11

I cant explain this.

It has been while lah since i updated this blog. whatever , i just need to let this thing in my head and chest out.

Im 14 , at the age of 14 , we're so hyper and flirtatious and all. And i cant do all that because i have you. Like i have you for real. Maybe i took it too serious few years back , im still a kid , a teenager who doesn't know anything , i dont even have the chance to explore this teenage world yet. I acted like imma teenager when im 11 ? wtf alai ? WAKE UP. You're only 14 act like 14.

Hm im happy , i am. just there's part of my heart saying that i need to think carefully about the choices that i've made thru out 2010 & 2011. We all gonna be adults in few years to come , these choices gonna effect all of our lives later.

Im not a good girl , and im serious. I need to change myself. I may look strong on the outside but in the inside , god knows honey god knows.

I just want to be happy and urgh i just dont know what to say. I just dont know